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[May. 25th, 2012|04:10 pm] |
The Navy keeps changing its mind. They keep saying they are going to send us back to the States early, the paperwork gets submitted, then the paperwork gets denied and they say we are staying here in Okinawa. Someone higher up the chain of command says that's bullshit, they ARE sending us back early, paperwork gets submitted and then denied. Today we found out for the FOURTH TIME that paperwork is denied and we are not getting sent back early. THE NAVY IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!! Chris isn't the one who keeps submitting the paperwork, his chain of command tells him to do it so he has to. I would prefer to go back early, but what I would REALLY like is to stop being jerked around. I am so so tired of being jerked around. I can't apply for / take jobs that I want and keep my family together. Previously, I would have just moved me and the kids wherever I got a job and told Chris to catch up when he could, but I can't do this with the third baby coming. Chris was deployed for so much of Morgan and Luke's early life that I know he is looking forward to really spending time with this baby. Also, I hate babies and I really need Chris there to remind me that it doesn't last very long at all and then they become adorable!
Anyways.
I wore real pants today. Real pants are dumb. Stretchy pants FOREVER!
Finally, all my friends are buying these beautiful houses and I am jealous. I really want to buy a house. I have storage units in AL and NC and I really really want ONE place to put all my stuff. Plus I spend $135./month on storage fees and that shit is adding up! I want to paint walls and decorate and buy expensive bookcases and start traditions with my family and have gatherings and build a life in ONE community. I want to give my family deep roots. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 22nd, 2012|08:58 pm] |
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For real: I need to feel better so I can DO something around the house. This shit is getting ridiculous. Tomorrow I will do ONE THING even if I puke the whole time I am doing it. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 9th, 2012|03:02 am] |
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Sitting on this news is making me crazy. My first appointment is not until June 11 and we aren't telling anyone that doesn't read lj until after that. I want to do something fun as the last two shocked my family. I think this one will shock them but for fun, happy reasons. I can keep other people's secrets, but I really suck at keeping my own! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 8th, 2012|08:36 pm] |
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Tonight L gave me hugs and kisses before bed. He then kneeled down and kissed my tummy and said, "Good night little brother. You better be a brother." |
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| Other random fears |
[May. 5th, 2012|06:37 pm] |
Since I have been just putting all of my uncensored thoughts on here, why stop?
Other Random Fears:
M and L are really healthy and happy and fun and funny and get along so well, what if this baby is not?
What if this baby fucks up everything?
How will I manage another fucking person's life?
What if I gain 300 pounds and then I don't know I am going into labor because the fat absorbs all the contractions and then I have the baby and the paramedics have to cut a hole in the house to get me out and then they need more paramedics because they are tiny Japanese men and then I am featured on Fox News and then there is a gif about me on the internet and IT NEVER GOES AWAY?
Ok. That last one is probably irrational.
What if my feet get another size bigger? Ugh. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 4th, 2012|08:50 pm] |
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I really just don't know how I can love another child as much as I love M and L. I am terrified I will always feel like this child is an other. |
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| Feeling much better |
[May. 4th, 2012|05:44 pm] |
Sarah-- Your words meant a lot to me. You helped me calm down about the age difference and trust that everything will work out. We frequently take an extra person with us on vacations (my sister) and pay for everything for her. This will be not much different than that. Thank you.
Ash-- Thanks for laughing at me with me. I needed someone to share in my WTF and you were perfect! I trust that over the coming months you will continue to provide that for me. After this baby, I solemnly swear to abstain from sex until either Chris or I are sterilized and it is confirmed to have been a success.
Kristin-- You won't read this probably, but thank you for being so fucking excited and happy for me. I hope you get pregnant soon so we can share excitement and then force our children to get married to each other. You have no idea how wonderful your excitemnet made me feel. It was contagious and I actually might be looking forward to a few things!
I really am feeling better. Chris is behaving less shocked and remembering that he LOVES toddlers so that's good. The worst years really don't last too long and then things are smooth sailing for a little while until the teen years (I assume). My sister is thrilled, Kristin is thrilled, I don't think I will ever become thrilled but I certainly won't be destroyed by this.
By the way, we aren't putting the news on facebook yet, so please don't congratulate me on there.
We will have to adjust some things and I might have to get a mini-van, but I'll be ok. |
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| Complications |
[May. 3rd, 2012|05:40 pm] |
My sister had her baby. He is absolutely adorable. I am in love with him and I have never even seen him in person.
I have my pre-op appointment tomorrow. I have very minor, non-invasive surgery on the 23rd to have the Essure placed. It is 2 nickel coils that go in your fallopian tubes. After 3 months, scar tissue builds up around the coils and blocks the passage and you are sterile. I have been waiting for this procedure for MONTHS.
The complication: I found out today I am pregnant.
I feel pretty numb about it. Mostly I keep thinking about all the ways it's going to change my life for the negative. We will need a car that seats 5. One hotel room will no longer be perfect. Flights will be more expensive by one person. Will M and L be ok? Oh God, will L be ok losing some attention? What if Chris gets kicked out of the Navy? Will I EVER start life. This is my life, isn't it? Why can't I just be okay with that? Why do I always feel like I am missing or not doing something I should be doing?
Sorry for the brain dump. I just am really really shocked. I track all intercourse and period stuff through an app on my phone and when we have unprotected sex I always make a note of it because then I get super crazy if my period is late. This past month we did not have unprotected sex at all! We used a condom every damn time. What's the deal with that? DO NOT say everything happens for a reason and that you just guess God wanted me to have this baby. I will punch you. At my pre-op appointmenmt tomorrow I guess we will get confirmation... or not. I have no idea what will happen tomorrow. Chris did NOT react well, please give me some happy words. Please tell me you enjoy having more than one sibling. Please make me feel okay. |
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| Crazy. Fucking. Times. |
[Apr. 18th, 2012|08:01 pm] |
I was preparing to adopt a dog today. Chris called and said you can't adopt a dog, we're being sent back to the States. Wait, what?
He was pulled to the side at work, handed a huge packet of paperwork, and told to get started. We have no timeframe, but Naval Hospital Okinawa has decided he is unfit for duty because of his knees and they are sending him stateside to receive treatment or be kicked out of the Navy- we don't know which will happen. There is no timeframe for any of this, but I am going to push him to get us sent back during the summer. That way the kids can start school woth everyone else.
I think I'm done. I am insanely happy with Chris, but I am done with the Navy. Every year it takes M longer and longer to become settled. We have now entered the final quarter of teh year and she is JUST NOW happy and settled and making friends. I can't do this to her anymore. I can't do this to ME anymore.
We will stay married, but I think I am moving me and the kids to one stationary place. I don't know where that is yet.
In otehr news, we celebrated our 8 year aniversary yesterday. It was a really really nice day. We bought each other new skates. He got R3s, I got She Devils. I am super pumped about them. :) Other than that we just hung out as a family and talked about the changes over the years. He is glad we are still married. I am too. |
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| Puppies and PMS |
[Apr. 14th, 2012|12:36 pm] |
We were going to adopt a puppy, but after the meet and greet the woman who runs the adoption agency decided "based on some actions and things that were said" that we are not a good fit. Because this adoption agency is the only agency that is allowed to work with the Japanese government, we are not going to be able to get a dog while we are here at all. The problem with this is we are bringing Jax here this fall, but he has been incredibly happy with the other dogs, To help him, we were going to get a second dog. Now that we can't have a second dog, I don't even know if we can bring him here.
Also, she gave no reasoning beyond what I quoted. I am sorta pissed off that more concrete evidence was not given. Her decision was based on a 20 minute meet and greet in her kitchen.
I am PMSing and my head feels totally unfocused. It's like I have medicine head but with no medicine. And because of the PMS the puppy thing has me feeling totally sad and I have cried over this dog that was never ours to begin with. My rational side can list ten reasons why no dog is better, but then I just get sad and cry. And I can't even look at pictures of puppies to feel better. It just makes it worse.
:( |
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